Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
