I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
