I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
