If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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