She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
