She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
