I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
