that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
