You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
