Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
