You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
