Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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