I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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