wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
