I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
