I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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