My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
