two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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