I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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