if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The air was thick with penises
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
