My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
