I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
