you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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