So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
