I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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