Quick, to the slutcave!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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