You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize