Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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