I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
