Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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