Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
