He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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