So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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