I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
