First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
