Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
