He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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