Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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