The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
