sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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