I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
