I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
