I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
