Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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