So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
