Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
