Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
