i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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