Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
