My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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