I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
