I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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