R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
