he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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