barbara walters just said penis...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
