i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
