i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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