Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
